100 Ways I’ve Grieved

It’s been 6 months. Some ways I’ve made it through:

  1. Wore black for 40 days
  2. Made an altar for you
  3. Put crystals in my bra
  4. Kept a candle lit whenever I was home
  5. Left your bags in my car
  6. Took grief herbs
  7. Ate nothing
  8. Avoided your name
  9. Cleaned my room
  10. Cleared out my closet
  11. Got my nails done
  12. Styled my hair
  13. Planned your funeral
  14. Cried
  15. Broke
  16. Slept with a makeshift rosary in my hand
  17. Slept with my ex
  18. Pretended I was fine
  19. Refused to pretend I was fine
  20. Hated anyone who expected me to be fine
  21. Wore my pajamas to appointments
  22. Took my meds
  23. Stopped taking my meds
  24. Took my vitamins
  25. Ate only Taco Bell
  26. Wrote poems
  27. Treated grief like a vocation
  28. Hid
  29. Made crafts out of tiny beads
  30. Spent hours organizing tiny beads by color
  31. Spray painted everything
  32. Sent care packages
  33. Accepted money raised on my behalf
  34. Took your altar down
  35. Took your bag out of my car
  36. Hid everything you ever touched in the garage
  37. Read the Book of Solace
  38. Turned lipstick into a public grief ritual
  39. Wore your lipstick
  40. Carried your purse
  41. Said your name everyday
  42. Cursed you
  43. Hated you
  44. Went numb
  45. Obsessively organized my life
  46. Only spent time with people who knew you
  47. Refused to spend time with people who knew you
  48. Rewatched all of Grey’s Anatomy
  49. Ate BBQ for the first time in 15 years
  50. Bought new lingerie
  51. Helped plan your memorial
  52. Wrote you a eulogy
  53. Looked at your photos
  54. Refused to look at your photos
  55. Looked after the people who loved you
  56. Refused to change my nail color
  57. Went cold inside
  58. Was consumed with fury
  59. Quit my jobs
  60. Made an altar to myself
  61. Read poetry every morning
  62. Bought new dresses
  63. Fell in love
  64. Found joy again
  65. Went home
  66. Drove aimlessly for hours
  67. Listened to grieving music
  68. Sobbed under an Ohio moon
  69. Made so much lasagna
  70. Brought food to people grieving other losses
  71. Wrote for you
  72. Put you back on my altar
  73. Set out a bowl of water to bless myself each morning
  74. Wore your scarf everyday
  75. Started praying for others
  76. Went to Spiritual Direction
  77. Took baths
  78. Tried to forget you
  79. Hugged your Mother
  80. Joked with your Brother
  81. Listened to country music
  82. Hated the Dixie Chicks
  83. Hung photos of people who love me
  84. Wrote a list of joyful things
  85. Stayed up till 5am watching music videos
  86. Made epic playlists for Femmes
  87. Ate so much sugar
  88. Cried while watching one of your favorite shows
  89. Let myself feel haunted by death
  90. Collected grief stories from others
  91. Let myself feel fully alive
  92. Stopped listening to grieving music
  93. Told the story of how we met
  94. Lit a candle on All Saints Day
  95. Opened my home
  96. Opened my windows
  97. Kept crying
  98. Missed you
  99. Remembered you
  100. Allowed myself to love you
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